再一次，哭了。
还以为自己能好好的继续我的生活，但好像是我的幻想罢了。

那天不知怎么了，想起了他们，眼泪，也就毫不留情的一直往下流。
差点，就停不了了。
怎么办！我不可能一直逃避下去，但我也不可能一直哭下去。

心好痛，真的。
好像把它停止，但停止了，我就和没良心的人一样，不是吗?

那天，爸爸也说了已经有把山上那块地，继续的买下来。或许，二伯是知道的吧。当大家都忙着过自己的生活时，他却慢慢地把钱省下来，准备把那块地保留下来。毕竟，大家在那里也过了将近十年的日子，是有感情的。
我曾想过，若有一天大家都不要那里了，我真得想买下来，或者继续留下那地方。因为，那里有太多太多属于婆婆，大伯和二伯的记忆与足迹。

我好怕，真得很怕，若那里没有了，我对他们的记忆是否会变得越来越模糊。。。

帮帮我，好不好？

那天，和淑欣说了很多话，然后， 或许是她不小心或什么，又提到了二伯。

好痛。真的。那天不知为什么，又哭了。
明明和自己说不再哭的，但眼泪，还是不听话。

我真真得好希望这一切是个梦。
我明天上去，还是会看到他们，那么慈祥的笑，那么无忧无虑的和我们玩。

最后一次 - Energy
你的眼睛变成了沙漠
冷冷的找不到温柔的线索
我不会连走开都不懂
爱情已经不能活
没有我的你自己要保重

好想再抱你一次
oh 最后一次
你是那么真实
柔软的发丝心跳的拍子
痛苦在我胸口狠狠的刺
再抱你一次
oh 最后一次
你是那么诚实
就连一滴泪都不愿装饰
爱情里最伤人的是理智

浪漫的日子像一场梦
爱你不是想要听你感谢我
放开了手我们又重获
四分五裂的自由
我是个不能让你快乐的小丑

站在风里天空在颤抖
陷入伸手不见五指的寂寞

好想再抱你一次
oh 最后一次
你是那么真实(再抱你一次)
柔软的发丝心跳的拍子
痛苦在我胸口狠狠的刺
再抱你一次
oh 最后一次
你是那么诚实(是那么诚实)
就连一滴泪都不愿装饰
爱情里最伤人的是理智

难道真的不能握握你的手
难道没有比较容易的分手
至少让你微笑过
这是最后的请求
最后一次(最后一次)拥抱着我

老天，真得很不公平。

有一次，带走了你。

为什么，要一而再，再而三的把你们全部带走呢？

为什么，带走得不是那些该死的坏人？

为什么，好人永远短命?

为什么，生前爱热闹的人，走的时候一定要是寂寞的呢?

不公平。真的不公平。

好恨这一切。

我已经快没有很多东西了。

就算我拜托你，远离我们好不好。。。死神？

it's been a pretty long time since i was last here.

and according to my tradition, this blog was supposed to be updated in chinese, but as our CPU got changed, there is currently no chinese, so yep can only type in english. D:

today is ah peh's first death anniversary.
sad and empty was all i felt today, and nothing else could really better describe my feelings i guess. im not to the extent that im bawling my eyes out like last year, but then somehow, it feels really empty, without ah ma, without ah peh. Even after 1 year. it still feels that way. the only time i cried/teared, was when 1st Kim Po and 2nd Kim Po came. they remind me of ah ma, really. i mean afterall, they are from the same generation and ever since ah ma left, they are the only eldest "mums" left. i dont know. this post doesnt even seem coherent now. im just blabbering whatever that is coming to my mind. -.-"

oh wells, the whole thing went quite well. :D the house was burnt really carefully and everything was smooth.
then on the way back to ah peh's house, 2nd aunt and mum was just talking about how fatherly ah peh was, and i teared again. D:

i really miss them so.
HOW...?

不管
走了嗎?為你撐最後一次傘
這一步怎麼那麼難 像我們都不願走散
這玄關 淚水在眼框流轉
答應彼此別傷感 卻忍不住回頭看
時間在倒轉
牽著手走過的每一站 那時兩人笑得多燦爛

不管痛有多強悍 讓我撐住送妳離開
還給最深愛的人 另一種自由的疼愛
不管記憶多難挨 就讓我代替妳保管
在心裡保留一半 就算妳不再回來

走了嗎?為你撐最後一次傘
這一步怎麼那麼難 卻忍不住回頭看
時間在倒轉
牽著手走過的每一站 那時兩人笑得多燦爛

不管痛有多強悍 讓我撐住送妳離開
還給最深愛的人 另一種自由的疼愛
不管記憶多難挨 就讓我代替妳保管
在心裡保留一半 就算妳不再回來

不管痛有多強悍 讓我撐住送妳離開
把捨不得的吶喊 換成了永遠的關懷
不管記憶多難挨 就讓我代替妳保管
直到呼吸都停擺 只想對妳說晚安

走了嗎?趁眼淚還沒流下來
當妳轉過身來 我還在
夢裡還說著 晚安
最後的晚安

到底要多久，我才不会在伤心了呢？

this is an irreversible exam. i can never get an A1 for my higher mother tongue anymore unless i retake. which i wont.

but i guess i am going to be fine with it since i also nearly didnt qualify for higher mother tongue when i was going to secondary school. :/ HAHA.

you know what? i need to find somewhere to VENT MY ANGER!

from now on, i am so going to be hardworking, and prove to others like the inseperable and gang, that i am not stupid and they are purely good cos they are hardworking. 咱们走得瞧。

ok decided to type in english because it would be so much faster than typing chinese. (i guess this is also one reason why i didnt get an A1)

today i got back my results. even though i keep saying that i would be really contented if i didnt get an B, i am really really sad that i got only a A2. well i do agree (and regret) that i didnt put in as much any (hard) work into chinese as/like other people, but getting a A2 when people ** gets A1, it just hurts more. my chinese was supposed to be my best subject?! and i even got the same grades as others. GRRRR.

gah. so i cried when people keep probing and asking what i got. ok, maybe not when they asked but rather when they gave the shocked face. HELLO i know that i didnt do as expected but dont need to give me that face. F--- off!

and then ma called. worse. HAHA. cos like when she asked, i cried again. i really didnt want to cry but HEY, it was her who keep telling me that it's easy to get a A1 (just because shan got it) and then she uses my words to console me "that i will be contented if i dont get B". it doesnt work. AT ALL. it just made me feel worse, because everytime she would add pressure on me unknowingly in situations like this. saying things that are considered 风凉话，then when results are not as expected, she would try and turn things around by saying things that you have said before, which hurts you more because you wanted another grade so badly just FOR HER. ): ok face the fact, i am not contented with only A2 alright?! i expected myself to excel in chinese ok. i mean like i have always been the one that people think that i would score excellently for chinese. and i get this kind of results. WTF. and and, people who came and "console" me didnt really help:
kwanling speaks english and then she come and tell me her results. -________-"
nicholas got A1 and then try to be funny but made me feel worse.
lakshmi doesnt even take the exam.
the rest? they just care about their own results.

another thing to add on to my sadness is ma not being at home when i wanted her to. i just hoped so badly that she would at least be at home to like console me (even though she always make things worse, but her prescene and trust can make me feel better) but she is not.

i do admit that A is not bad. but i am not contented ok?! i want that A1 to prove myself. i dont wanna live under shan anymore. but this time round, i failed again. D; and much worse, classmate's tongues may start wagging. I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TALK ABOUT YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDNT MANAGED TO DO WELL IN CERTAIN THING THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO WELL IN.

* bee, jen, chirstine
** CUT: whose grades are supposingly 不必我好 ie honey, fake, coughs1*

URGH.

well 2007 is over for now, and the death of my 2 loved ones really hit me a lot. although i may not show it but their deaths really made me think a lot about life. my life in fact.

i always thought that i would at least have ah ma and ahpei with me till i am like 20 plus but i didnt. it really hurts now and then to just think of them. but mayeb their death isnt a bad thing cos they wont have to suffer in this world anymore. they will be in a place where there will be no pain and just purely happiness. (:

i really miss them a lot.
thinking of all the things that i have not done with them; like repaying ahma or not getting closer to ahpei etc, i really regret it.
i wish i could turn back time and do everything that i have not done.

but i guess another thing that i should be glad is that since they are gone, i realise more things (like not being close to family members) and it's their deaths that made me grow up and cherish my whole CHUA family. i grew more mature and i know more about life.

they will always remain in my heart!
but somehow, i really fear that i will forget them someday...

my sisters keep saying that 你以为每个人都像你哭那么少。but it is not that i didnt want to cry, i couldnt. i dont know why but i just couldnt kept crying then. for a moment i would just be really tired and then it stops. not crying doesnt mean that i am not devestated. WHY NO ONE UNDERSTANDS?

我恨死亡。 因为在短短的195天里，它又带走了另一个人。

九月十六日，在晚上九点十一分，我看到了原本跳动的线，毫无动静，变成了一条。

我该怎么办？好想哭。。。

i am getting really angry at blogdrive. or maybe it is because i have not been coming back so now it is protesting by giving ME problems. (i wonder if others have the same problem as me too when they visit this blog...) but oh wells. i decided to trust it and TRY AGAIN! (: i'm such a nice girl. HEHE. 

anyway i was just talking about my future having DANGER! haha cos my chem is really cannot make it. just because i suck at mole concept. and shan had to go on saying that mole is the easiest thing blah blah blah = DEMORALIZING ME even more. thanks luh. but anyway there are a lot of faculties in Singapore that bloody hell needs chem as basic A level subject. DARN. so when i felt that i really did badly for chem when i came back from chem paper, i started to think of all kinds of jobs that i could do.

model - nah. too short and fat to be a walkway model. ping mian? too NOT photogenic. ):
designer (fashion, interior etc) - I SCRAPE PASS ART. lalala. -.-"
doctor/dentist - IT NEEDS CHEM!
lawyer - my in-ga-li-shi not go-de a (translate: my english's not good)
accountant - we have 3 accountants in CHUA family...
business - 2 currently in my house... (1 already graduated)
biochem related (like jongx) - well still need chem
engineering - also need chem
nursing/those eye-doctor (opti-something) - needs to go poly -.-"
computing - NAH. i like playing with the comp doesnt mean that i am a comp whiz. HAHA
arts and social science - if i dont take arts in A levels = no hope to get into this faculty!
music - i am super not musically inclined can?!
science - my chem already cannot make it le!
mass comm - i heard that GP must be well. my ENGLAND not bery POWDERFUL!

well.. there is still another option of
entreprenuer - i dont have mao xian jing shen! )):

there there there. WHAT CAN I BE IN THE FUTURE? ):
i dont want to die so young cos i've got no job.
-cries