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这个部落格原本是写关于我对过世的人的思念的。
但后来想了想，还是觉得这里比较适合写我接下来想说的话。
不知道是不是因为那时的考试压力太大，我人变得怪怪的。对很多事情都很敏感。考得不好时，就哭了。还对生病的妈发了脾气。她却全忍下来了。后来因为妈得接受化疗，没办法，只好把韩国的旅游计划给取消了。说实在的，我很难过。毕竟期待了两年，终于等到了对的时间，对的人，对的一切一切，却因为突如其来的事而不能去了。期待毕竟大，所以需要一段时间来让自己完全放开。当大家都认为我应该留下来时，我其实很生气，因为大家都没想到我的感受。如果妈那时有说一句谢谢，我会更乐意留下来。但她却一直叫我去，反而让我觉得不被感激。发了很大的脾气。很不应该，因为妈那时觉得自己很没用，认为自己害了我。我也为了舞蹈和工作的事情哭了。那次哭得很惨，（其实那个礼拜就一直在哭）搞得妈很担心。对她和爸爸有太多太多的愧疚，但也很高兴，他们终于没说什么的让我跳舞。
这个礼拜，成绩出炉了。果然每想像中的好，但也没想像中的坏。虽然掉了一点点，但我发现了一个小强项。这一次，妈没有一味的说她自己知道的，因为她了解最终她的不完美知识可能会让我更不开心。反而是姐姐们。个个都没经过大脑就说话，搞得我又哭了。就因为他们朋友没做的工作，就认定若我读了，就没有前途。还说什么我有兴趣就好。都被你们说成那样了，还会好好的选吗? 只会说风凉话，还说我不可理喻。拜托，也不想想自己也是一样好吗。但至少我不像你们，我只会鼓励你们，不会说风凉话。后来跟学长学姐们谈了之后，我决定把我那新小强项放在更高的位置。
昨天又为了无心的几句话而哭了。现在回想起来，真觉得自己好无聊。就因为和二姐闹了别扭，三姐没有问我要不要出门，想为了出门而取消补习而被家人取笑‘为花钱而推掉赚钱的机会‘，想去batam却因为有补习而不能去所以觉得很烦等等，哭了。无聊吧。但或许我只想为自己可惜一下下，所以哭了。今天又因为妈问我关于和二姐闹得不愉快的事而又发脾气了。还小哭了一下。我想妈应该因为我们四个而常常担心吧，也常常被我们发脾气。好想打自己，也每次都警告自己，却一而在，在而三的想妈发脾气。
好讨厌这样的自己。所以我决定了。我一定要减少妈对我的担心（虽然是不可能的但我会努力！）我一定要让妈和爸不再那么辛苦。
一定要考进金融，把书读好，然后找份好工作，专多多的钱来给爸妈好好的养老。
慧婷加油！你一定可以的! 做个更好的人，就从睡觉起来开始！
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ѵҪ˽жҪô?
ҴҪ֧ҵı, ֻϣDzҪһڶķ.
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赸Һܿ, ֪?
㲻˽赸ҵĿ֣˽赸μҵѹ
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죬ְҲ˵Ѿаɽǿأ֪İɡҶæŹԼʱȴذǮʡǿرϾҲ˽ʮӣиġ
һҶҪˣǵطΪ̫̫ţͶļ㼣
Һ£ú£ûˣҶǵļǷԽԽģ
ңòã
죬˵˺ܶȻ СĻʲôᵽ˶
ʹġ첻֪Ϊʲôֿˡ
Լ˵ٿģᣬDz
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ȥǻῴǣôЦôǵĺ档
һ - Energy
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Ѿܻ
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ΪʲôǰֵˣߵʱһҪǼį?
ƽIJƽ
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Ұ㣬ԶǺòá
it's been a pretty long time since i was last here.
and according to my tradition, this blog was supposed to be updated in chinese, but as our CPU got changed, there is currently no chinese, so yep can only type in english. D:
today is ah peh's first death anniversary.
sad and empty was all i felt today, and nothing else could really better describe my feelings i guess. im not to the extent that im bawling my eyes out like last year, but then somehow, it feels really empty, without ah ma, without ah peh. Even after 1 year. it still feels that way. the only time i cried/teared, was when 1st Kim Po and 2nd Kim Po came. they remind me of ah ma, really. i mean afterall, they are from the same generation and ever since ah ma left, they are the only eldest "mums" left. i dont know. this post doesnt even seem coherent now. im just blabbering whatever that is coming to my mind. -.-"
oh wells, the whole thing went quite well. :D the house was burnt really carefully and everything was smooth.
then on the way back to ah peh's house, 2nd aunt and mum was just talking about how fatherly ah peh was, and i teared again. D:
i really miss them so.
HOW...?
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@һNNy ҂ɢ
@P IˮۿD
𑪱˴˄e s̲ס^
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^ÿһվ ǕrЦöN
ʹж ғס͊x_
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ӛy Ҵ抅
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ҪãҲŲأ
this is an irreversible exam. i can never get an A1 for my higher mother tongue anymore unless i retake. which i wont.
but i guess i am going to be fine with it since i also nearly didnt qualify for higher mother tongue when i was going to secondary school. :/ HAHA.
you know what? i need to find somewhere to VENT MY ANGER!
from now on, i am so going to be hardworking, and prove to others like the inseperable and gang, that i am not stupid and they are purely good cos they are hardworking. ߵơ
ok decided to type in english because it would be so much faster than typing chinese. (i guess this is also one reason why i didnt get an A1)
today i got back my results. even though i keep saying that i would be really contented if i didnt get an B, i am really really sad that i got only a A2. well i do agree (and regret) that i didnt put in as much any (hard) work into chinese as/like other people, but getting a A2 when people ** gets A1, it just hurts more. my chinese was supposed to be my best subject?! and i even got the same grades as others. GRRRR.
gah. so i cried when people keep probing and asking what i got. ok, maybe not when they asked but rather when they gave the shocked face. HELLO i know that i didnt do as expected but dont need to give me that face. F--- off!
and then ma called. worse. HAHA. cos like when she asked, i cried again. i really didnt want to cry but HEY, it was her who keep telling me that it's easy to get a A1 (just because shan got it) and then she uses my words to console me "that i will be contented if i dont get B". it doesnt work. AT ALL. it just made me feel worse, because everytime she would add pressure on me unknowingly in situations like this. saying things that are considered then when results are not as expected, she would try and turn things around by saying things that you have said before, which hurts you more because you wanted another grade so badly just FOR HER. ): ok face the fact, i am not contented with only A2 alright?! i expected myself to excel in chinese ok. i mean like i have always been the one that people think that i would score excellently for chinese. and i get this kind of results. WTF. and and, people who came and "console" me didnt really help:
kwanling speaks english and then she come and tell me her results. -________-"
nicholas got A1 and then try to be funny but made me feel worse.
lakshmi doesnt even take the exam.
the rest? they just care about their own results.
another thing to add on to my sadness is ma not being at home when i wanted her to. i just hoped so badly that she would at least be at home to like console me (even though she always make things worse, but her prescene and trust can make me feel better) but she is not.
i do admit that A is not bad. but i am not contented ok?! i want that A1 to prove myself. i dont wanna live under shan anymore. but this time round, i failed again. D; and much worse, classmate's tongues may start wagging. I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TALK ABOUT YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDNT MANAGED TO DO WELL IN CERTAIN THING THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO WELL IN.
* bee, jen, chirstine
** CUT: whose grades are supposingly Һ ie honey, fake, coughs1*
URGH.
