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涍经朰椆惀戞檣揤椆丆扐変还惀渒憐她丅):
孙墠巔丗変栫渒憐懠
撨时変们总桳岲懡话
廦么帠搒壜埲讲
変揑爱忣斾你憗
媝堦捈曻嵼怱忋
岪棃你们擵间揑变壔
変晄憐嵞懡说话
经过椆憡嬾挣滺
変还惀澷朄彨懠曻壓
撨惀懡媣岪揑帠椆
桳堦揤你撍慠问変
嵼撨槩时岓惀斲栫爱拝懠
変栫渒憐懠変们搒堦样
嵼懠揑恎忋慭漄摓憷銷
扅惀撨时揑懠
惀場为你懠开巒飞隳
変栫渒憐懠嵼朸槩抧曽
変彮椆尴尬你彮椆尐銷
帶壞揤还惀撨么抁
巚擮媝渒长
还记摼撨擭変们嶰恖许壓揑溍朷
惎惎骗椆変们変们媝場崯忋椆堦课
惉长昁廋揑妛暘
変们搒堦样
it is coming soon. in fact it is next wednesday. so fast huh?
我不喜欢这种感觉。仿佛在时间一天天地流逝，我就会慢慢地把她忘记。
我不要。
maybe i should stop being too trusting. especially to the dance people.
恖晄壜杄憡丅
was like clearing my folder when i saw these really random documents that i actually keep all along. -________-" haha. and reading them once more really made me laugh and think how childish i was in the past. ok, maybe i am not mature now too but i guess and i feel that i am definitely more mature than in the past. LOL. ok let me talk about them one by one.
the first one on the list is:
"Addresses of blogs and contact numbers"
ok, i find this quite funny but it is also quite important cos i DO have
then:
COUNTLESS DOCUMENTS of energy's email address.
ok i dont feel like updating this anymore but i think i really need to go and clear and STOP PROCRASTINATING! procrastinating had took my life dead. ): jiayou. be a nice girl from now on!
TARGETS for the following years (after today):
1) stop procrastinating
2) be a neat and tidy girl
3) study harder.
4) plan for my future...
signing off,
huiting
051007
had a talk with liyana today and i think i really need to stop telling people how i feel so openly. everytime i will go home feeling like some super duper evil and emo kid.
-________-"
damn. i dont wanna feel that way, but i just cant help it! ARGH~ somebody save me!
well well. initially i wanted to say that something went wrong with my blogskin but i have fixed it! (: haha. the thing went like this: the other time the blogskin that the designer provided could no longer show so i went to use the one that i uploaded myself. then it turned out to be that my navigations could not be used. so i went to change it here and there! (:
but what is really wrong are people. everyone now are like hypocrites. even myself. i hate this whole thing. it just make my life so... sad and miserable. i wanna stay truthful, but somehow it just turns out to be so hard. ;( i shan't talk about who. but i just hope that they will turn for the better.
man. someday, this will really become my emo blog. :/
dav and charlyn. f-off.
oh by the way, what made me feel even worse is that i lost my costume belt. ):
today is it! oh well, not really much bad things but there is something going on at home and in school that i really need a listening ear. i can find no one, feeling so cold and alone. so here i am, ranting again. sorry jongx, if you are reading this. gonna just reveal bits and pieces here. just in case you wanna know. and for the others who managed to find this section and decided to KPO, then those words that i am going to reveal will be enough for you to go guessing and spread bad things about me.
it is not really nice to be at home now. the atmosphere is ever so tense, and everyone is like having their menses. -rolls eyes- i could tahan everything. until today, i came home from dance, and then i saw ying eating ice-kachang. and since she bought like 4, i decided to eat after dinner. and so there was like 2 left cos ma and ying both ate 1. then i asked pa what flavour he wanted cos he also want. then this time shan had to like:
shan: eh how come you didnt leave any for xin?
me: orh. then i eat half lor.
shan: how can you be like this? she usually doted on you.
me: ok, i eat one third ok
shan: -dont remember, cos i was really too angry-
me: FINE I DONT EAT OK.
and then after that i ate my ice cream and ma called me 耍性子. whatever lor. i am damn freaking pissed. she should fairly well know that ying had been like CRAZY these few days and xin is acting as though she cant live peacefully with ying. AND she herself also say a lot like "i dont wanna study anymore". f*** you la. ma is really unhappy and i have been trying my best ok, MY BEST to be the 乖 daughter ma always wanted me to be. and you have to screw up for me. you yourself always know how to complain about people, but when it comes to yourself, you dont seem to react. you are just like everyone else. maybe i am like this, but at least i REFLECT. i dont see you doing that. blame it on pms la. i dont freaking care anymore. you 3 always say it's pms pms pms. cant it be YOUSELF?
i hate this. seriously, i hope i was not born in the first place.
school's horrible too. people just starts to get... hypocritical? i dont want to turn that way. it's just sucks.
ma said something like "why want the best? why can't you all be contented with what you have?" today towards the DONT-WANNA-STUDY-ISSUE. i mean i do agree with her. having the best might not be the best. but we want the best because we dont wanna disappoint anyone. we are here trying hard. but maybe it just worked the other way.
另一个让我真的真得很后悔的，是那天在做IH essay 时（250307)，打开了相机， 看到了今年新年时拍的照片。 我突然发觉，我已好久好久没有和婆婆拍照了。 其他人都有，除了我。为什么我总是在失去后才懂得珍惜、才来后悔？我好恨我自己，真的好恨。另一天，(030407) 楼下有庆祝观音娘娘的生日的大型帐篷的那种东西。那天过时，听到他们在播放的一首歌，虽然不知道是什么歌，也没听很清楚歌词，但那旋律，好像婆婆去世时播的歌。我那天哭了。没有崩溃，但好茫然。
看着右手被自虐的伤口
爱好象从今停留
而我左手按下号码之后
把所属于我的歌不再播送
默写你的爱过
坦诚自己脆弱
对白怎么说
表情才不难过
我想要说 我想要说
如果没有了你
我该如何往下走
那一秒钟有没有发现我倔强里的问候
怎么叫我放手
在这一切之后
我不喜欢刚刚过的星期二。 那天，婆婆去做神仙了。虽然是件好事， 但我放不下、放不开。
三月六号，也就是农历正月十七，在凌晨四点五十分。
她离开了我们。
除了伤心，还有无奈。
):
i think only jongx reads this blog so i shall just post it here. last wed, ahma was on the verge to leave. really leave. she felt it herself.
that day 三姑 was the last to arrive, and so ahma asked her who told her to come. but 三姑 just asked her something like "you are ok already thats why you are discharged right?" (ok, this doesnt sound correct in english) then ahma said " i didnt come out cos i was well, i came out cos i am about to leave"
it hurts. hearing that. it was on wed that i finally encountered what it felt like. the so-called "heart pain" well i shall post in chinese now.
心痛，真得很痛。 胸口闷闷的， 连呼吸都变得有点困难。这几天下来，听到很多。听到他们如何要婆婆早点脱离痛苦。听到其实婆婆在星期三是有因才不走的。听到来姨婆根本不喜欢婆婆， 跟如何在她的背后说她坏话。 还有婆婆其实也不喜欢她！^^ 还有听到对婆婆很重要的事／人或许真的事树林伯伯，而不是那个很没人情味的马坑聚会。也听到或许以婆婆体贴的个性来说，她之所以会撑到新年过后。婆婆也有可能因为不想麻烦我们，所以选择在星期六进医院。
我现在有点语无伦次了。但至少我了解我在写些什么。 不是我要婆婆早点走，我也放不开啊！可是与其她这样痛苦下去，我宁可她早点得到解脱。
i dont wanna let go. i agree with jongx:"it hurts even now to smile" (something like that)
